Lust and Love: 3 fire starters
Valentine’s Day inspires love, lust, and for some… disdain.
If you fall into the latter group, this blog’s for you.
What if your flames of passion have dwindled to a cold, damp, smoldering ash? Or the only “action” you’re getting is a cycle of conflict and avoidance? Or worse, you’re still fumbling blindly seeking the match to ignite the fire that won’t light up.
Love and lust are action words.
In other words, a verb. And a verb is defined as, “a word used to describe an action, state, or occurrence, …such as hear, become, happen.” It requires movement, change, and doing. So if your relationship is ‘up in smoke’, how do you do love?
1.Connect through communication –
There’s nothing sexier than feeling heard. Speak AND listen. Repeat back what you heard and ask if you got it. Over time, miscommunications create a deep divide in relationships. When your partner speaks, reply with, “so what I hear you saying is…”. Often, your partner is feeling the same hurt feelings you are. Check out this book on “Getting the Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix, PhD and Hellen LaKelly Hunt, PhD.
2.Connect through novelty –
Domesticity can extinguish the blaze of lust. When relationships become enmeshed, expectations rule and adventure dies. Notice the “otherness” of your partner. It can bring the sexy back. Introduce role play, 
sex toys, and imagination into the bedroom. Read this gem, “Mating in Captivity”. “Mystery is not always about traveling to new places, it is about looking with new eyes.” – Esther Perel.
3.Connect through touch –
Practice “Sensate Focus” exercises by Masters and Johnson. This is old school sex therapy. When you and your partner have lost the physical aspects of your relationship, start small. But just start. Begin by getting curious. Notice the sensations of touching and being touched. Refocus on your own sensory perceptions and sensuality, instead of goal-oriented behaviors. Create safety and pleasure around physical touch.
This Valentine’s Day, take action. Give the love and passion you want to receive. Listen, imagine, touch.
